country gentlemen

So, that whole, “New real post tonight!” thing from a couple days ago was a total lie. Clearly, I did not make any posts until this one, so for that I’m sorry. Although, I doubt anyone reads this thing anymore anyway (did anyone ever? Bridget, perhaps..maybe Lia).

These past few months have been a bit mixed in terms of feelings and wellness. I cried in the office of a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, and then again to a medical student in the examination room of my GP, and was thusly diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I’m on anti-depressants now, and I haven’t felt any difference yet (and still won’t for another week or so), but the other anti-anxiety medication I’m on works like magic, so that’s nice.

I’ve been spending a lot of time at home, which I know isn’t much different from before, but my dad found an apartment, and is moving out after Paul graduates, which is endlessly weird and sad (Dad moving out, not Paul graduating). Even though I’m keeping my apartment in the city, I’ll be working and being in San Rafael for most of the summer…I don’t want Paul to feel as though he has to deal with the separation by himself. Also, those friends of mine who will be coming back for the summer will be in San Rafael, so it’s all just easier.

I’ve had two finals so far, Shakespeare and Classic Greek Culture, and in a few hours I have my Labour Studies final. It’s nice to be able to get everything over with more quickly, although I still have one final left on Friday. Annoying, but at least I’ll be done. It’s all been pretty easy so far; my Greek final took me less than twenty minutes, including the written portion…I checked over it thrice, and after turning it in and shaking hands with Leitao, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d missed a bunch of questions on the reverse sides of the pages, but I saw someone in the student center who was from my class, and he assured me I was all right.

All in all, though, I’d say that everything is pretty good. I’m on the path of no-anxiety, I have one easy final left and one I-Don’t-Know final. My grandparents are coming to visit for a whole month, and I’m really excited to see them. Summer will be hot and wonderful, and I’ll be able to escape to my Twenty-Degrees-Cooler apartment in the city whenever I want. I guess you could say that everything is just as it’s supposed to be right now. I’m satisfied. I’m going to go eat a vegan cookie.

 

LXXIII

That time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see’st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west;
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death’s second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see’st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the death-bed, whereon it must expire,
Consum’d with that which it was nourish’d by.
This thou perceiv’st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well, which thou must leave ere long.

A new post coming tonight, to any of you ne’redowells still reading this old thing.

 

A Short List

- I thought it would take me all night, or at least until Pretty Late, but I just finished my Measure for Measure paper!

- I got a job at a cafe on campus, which makes delicious wraps and smoothies!

- I’m pretty much caught up on homework!

- Sascha will be home on Monday, and will be here for one month!!

- I’m seeing Jay Schafer’s Tiny House on Saturday! (this will be the culmination of months and months of being in love with tiny houses…I finally get to see one in person!)

- I’m going to the Conservatory of Flowers tomorrow after school with my mom!

edit: ALSO hooooly balls, Battlestar Galactica season premier tomorrow night! I’m so excited I might pee on stuff!

 

Books I Got From the Library Book Sale

…where I spent less than $15!

Gnomes - Poortvliet/Huygen
The Voyage of the Narwhal - Andrea Barrett
Possession - A.S. Byatt
The Boxcar Children, vol. 1 - Gertrude Chandler Warner
A New World - Amit Chaudhuri
Into the Land of Unicorns - Bruce Coville
Illustrated Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (1945 publication)
Galileo’s Daughter - Dava Sobel
The Ocean World of Jacques Cousteau vol. 1: Oasis in Space - Jacques Cousteau
Dear Mrs. Lindbergh - Kathleen Hughes
Our Lady of the Forest - David Guterson
The Cat Who Brought Down the House - Lilian Jackson Braun
The Cat Who Could Read Backwards - Lilian Jackson Braun
The Sea Egg - L.M. Boston
The Reader - Bernhard Schlink
The Novels of Jane Austen (vol. V: Northanger Abbey and Persuasion)
The Novels of Jane Austen (vol. VI: Minor Works)
(a very, very old copy of) Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
Fatherhood - Bill Cosby
The Wit and Humor Library vol. VI: British Humor
About a Boy - Nick Hornby
Winesburg, Ohio - Sherwood Anderson
(tiny, from 1961) Spanish to English pocket dictionary with inscription “To my Edith with sincere divotion, Dinos” (the ‘i’ in sincere had clearly been an ‘e’, changed to an ‘i’)
Wind, Sand and Stars - Antoine de Saint Exupery
Jurassic Park - Michael Crichton
Ward 20 - James Warner Bellah (Flaring Passions Behind Hospital Doors!!)
Baby - Patricia MacLachlan

 

two lists, and a photo

Stupid Things I Did This Break

- waited until today to start a paper due Tuesday

- left the two plays the paper is on at my apartment, and did not realize it until today

- bought those two plays again

- slept in a lot

- spent a lot of money

- stayed out late (even though I had a good time with my friends)

- did not go get xiaolongbao in the city

- caught my sleeve on my left arrow key and it popped off…now I have no excuse and I must send it in for repair. dumb.

- did not make Michael and Hannah say more things in Chinese and Arabic, respectively.

- didn’t get to hang out with Barry (this is not my fault - he’s back at school, which is amazingly awesome for him, but not for me, because I can’t hang out with him this way :[ )

(edit: I got an extension on my paper, so I don’t have to stress out about having been stupid)

Awesome Things I Did This Break

- spent more time with Hannah, and felt like I got a lot closer to her

- did not act angry towards Aaron (even though I felt it a lot)…in fact, I think, for the most part, I acted completely friendly towards him (for the sake of being an adult about it, and not making my friends uncomfortable)

- saw James’ performance with the DS Players AND the film he edited for the Fairfax Film Festival

- secured an interview with a cafe on campus (!!!)

- bought grey, open-toe jellies (CUTE CITY)

- got rained/heavily misted on at a Giants game in amazing seats

- got pho late at night at The Awesome Place, after being rained on at the Giants game (would have been a 100% perfect night if Bridget and Hannah had been there…as it was, only 85% perfect…we were really wet. and Hannah and Bridget weren’t there.)

- took some really great photos (I’m continuing to feel better about the work I’m doing, and learning not to compare myself so hard to Mollie, which ruins my spirit and makes me want to not take pictures. I love Mollie, but seeing her work makes me feel insanely inadequate)

Speaking of photography, here’s some fish I shot at the Farmer’s Market on Sunday!

 

they found him hibernating beneath the coffee table…turns out, he’s actually a human, asleep.

<awkward introduction about how, more and more, I find myself not wanting to be friends with people I’m friends with>

With Aaron, I guess it’s easy to understand. I can rationalize not really wanting to be friends with him at the moment (not that he’s left me much of a choice, with the whole ignoring-everyone-from-our-group-of-friends thing), because I feel like I’ve been there for him so much, and for so long, and I wasted so much energy worrying about him and trying to help him. At the same time, I’ve also let him get away with so much…he had the inability to let me be right about anything, even when I was right, and we’d get into insane arguments, which ended with me crying, when he’d do something which hurt my feelings, and since he didn’t feel like he’d done anything wrong, he wouldn’t apologize, and he would tell me that what I was feeling was incorrect and illogical.

I just feel like this is yet another example of him not thinking about how his actions affect other peoples’ feelings. And yeah, I can’t speak for everyone, so when I refer to myself (as in, he’s not talking to me, he’s ignoring me, etc.) it sounds like I’m a total selfish bitch. But I have feelings too, okay? Maybe I can’t think of everything in a linear, “logical” way, like he can; I’m sure his whole shutting-everyone-out thing makes total sense in his head. He just needed a break from people..or rather, the people he’s friends with who are actually caring, who take an interest in other peoples’ well-beings/anything other than video games (to anyone reading this who knows these people, I exclude Max from that category. He cares about lots of things other than video games, including Aaron. Also, I know I’m generalizing, and I don’t really care. From what I’ve met of the people who live in the apartment, that’s all I’ve seen). But from my side of things, to be one of the few people who’s invested real care into his life, and done so much, to be called his best friend, and consider him mine, after talking every day, multiple times a day, to be ignored for three months is insulting and hurtful.

AND, to have him show up after three months of silence, and come to the movies, and act like everything’s fine, like he hasn’t done anything wrong, I was so angry, I cried when I got home and I thought I was going to be sick. I think other people in our little group of friends are annoyed at me for remaining angry at him, but I don’t know what to do. I feel like they don’t really get why it’s different for me…I could list everything out again, but I’m being repetitive enough as it is. I’m not searching for drama. I’m not making drama where there is none. I’ve been ignored for three months by a person I spent so much time being there for and supporting, who I allowed to treat me badly oftentimes, and am now expected to act like it’s not an issue.

I don’t even know what I want the outcome to be in this situation. Do I want to continue this friendship? Do I want to end it, risking the same type of awkward friend-division when I stopped being friends with Maddi? Would that even happen, considering how infrequently he visits or talks to people? Above all else, I suppose, I want him to recognize that he’s done something to hurt me and others, and I want him to realize that his actions do, in fact, directly affect other people’s feelings. I want him to realize that having friends means making certain agreements, like not ignoring them. I want him to grow up, and learn how to wash dishes properly, and take out the trash when it’s overflowing onto the floor, and to get a job, and learn even the tiniest amount of what it means to have responsibilities. Do I want to be there for all that, though? I don’t know.

 

hubert cumberdale

ohhhhh mama! I hung out with zoe the other day, and it was amazing.

…ly awkward, at times. But it’s been so long since I’ve hung out with another girl that I sort of went crazy with talking…I even revealed to her my (somewhat) secret desire to live in a tumbleweed house on some wide expanse of land, but I didn’t mention anything about how green it is, and the ideology behind it, so I think I sort of sounded like a crazy person who wanted to live in a 100 square foot house attached to a truck.

We baked chocolate chip cookies together, and talked for a long time while they cooled off, and it just felt really nice to spend time in someone else’s company, outside of my house and everything. I’ve been getting kind of…depressed, I guess, about not really having any friends here, and not knowing how to make them really…I think people have this idea about me that I’m great at networking and making friends, but the truth is, I make friends by association. All of my friendships came about because I knew someone who knew them, etc. Except for Jill, but I think it was mostly on her part. She’s so outgoing and warm, and it was easy to “meet” her, because she did all the meeting. Left to my own devices, I’ll find strangers irritating and dull, or, if I do find them to be interesting, I’m way intimidated to talk to them, which is weird, because I wouldn’t say that shyness is in my nature, but I guess it is..

Anyway, before I went to hang out with Zoe, I saw an old friend from high school, Jasmine, who lives with another friend from high school, and she seemed really eager to talk and hang out. I guess the whole point of this entry is to say that like…I miss having friends nearby and doing things…I’d still say that Bridget is one of my very closest friends, and Barry, and James, of course (though that’s somewhat different because he’s my boyfriend), but Bridget’s in San Jose, and Barry’s soon leaving me for San Luis Obispo. I’m turning into a hermit cat-lady (minus cats) here in my tiny apartment, and it’s nice to know that there are people nearby who do want to hang out with me. That’s all, I guess.

 

That’s enough sitting on the fence for the fear of breaking dams

It’s so sunny and beautiful today…way too nice to spend two hours in Intro to Labour Studies. SO! I’m going to skip out on Deborah Gerson, have some sort of delicious lunch, and go to Sausalito. I’ll draw on the ferry boat, and then sit on those big stone steps which lead down to the water, and then go to Cafe Trieste and have cappuccino.

 

I have this sudden fantasy:

getting accepted to UC Santa Cruz as a transfer, living near the beach in an apartment with flowers and a cat called Chicken. I can imagine life there is happy and slow, with foggy mornings which give way to sunny afternoons. I imagine a bicycle with a basket, farmers markets, a VW bug, maybe. I imagine organic food, flip flops, white curtains, going to see live music, real, true idealism.

It’s pretty stupid…I’ve never even really been to Santa Cruz, but I want to live there in this strange, abstract sort of way. I even brought the idea of living there together up to James, but some parts of me would kind of like to do it on my own. I want a new life, a better school, a better outlook. I want a place where it’s easier to make friends, a place with my own kitchen. I don’t know. It’s…silly.

 

nothing’s quite as bad as it seems when you’re so sad

I got the job at Mollie Stone’s. I had kind of hoped for an interview and then a period of time where they review my application and interview notes, and then call me a couple weeks later. But they hired me right there. It had looked as if I’d have a bit of time…they’d originally been interviewing me for a job in the Bakery, but I didn’t have the right hours, so they were going to keep my schedule on file until something opened up. I was happy about that…maybe a bit disappointed, but happy that I’d at least have some time to get adjusted to school, the workload, some time to wait on the library job for which I applied. But Rosemary The Cheese Manager snatched up my resume as I was on my way out of the office, and told me I would work there in the deli. She didn’t really ask, she told me…and I guess it kind of makes sense, since I applied there, not the other way around. I was the one asking them for a job, and they gave me one.

As I find out, it’s a union position, which means I’m on a much higher pay scale. However, it also means I have to work at least 26 hours per week. It also means I have to pay them to join the union, and I have to pay monthly dues as well. It also means that, because of my school schedule, I have to work till ten at night. And yeah, it’s close, blah blah, but not close enough that I would want to walk home when it’s ten pm.

The truth is, I don’t want this job. The truth is, I have no interest in wearing rubber gloves to slice dripping turkey, a white chef’s coat, and a Mollie Stone’s baseball cap I have to pay for myself. The truth is, I want to throw up thinking about the fact that I have to start on Monday, and I don’t have work clothes, or work shoes, and I have to go to San Mateo to take the Drug Screen test they officially got rid of yesterday, but still have to take because I was offered the position two days prior to the official cut.

The truth is, I don’t want to be unemployed. I’m so positive that everyone thinks of me as a failure anyway, because I don’t have my license (something which was never important to me in the first place…it’s never something I’ve ever cared about and somehow no one can see past the fact that I’m twenty and can’t legally drive), but I don’t want to  be looked at as the girl who doesn’t work as well…the girl who allows her parents to pay her rent, her tuition, buy her groceries and books. I want to work, I do, but…not at Mollie Stone’s.

I don’t know exactly how I’ll go through life avoiding the corporate job…the one where you’re considered TARDY if you’re three minutes late (and, as always, there’s a neat, handwritten sign above the punch-in clock reminding you of this, Signed, Management), where there’s a dress code, where I can’t wear earrings anyplace other than my ears, where my appearance (with regards to hair, nail polish, makeup, clothing, jewelry) may only be “moderate”.

<<edit>>

After talking with Caitlin, I’ve decided not to take the job. As bad as it will be to call Rosemary Queen of Cheese and tell her I won’t be working there after all, it’ll be much better than what I’d be putting myself through by going through with it against my judgment, and being really really sorry about it.

To wrap things up:

Places I Would Live

- Cape Cod

- Newfoundland

- Wales

- Chicago, Illinois

- near the English seaside

- Iceland

- Nantucket/Martha’s Vineyard

- Boston, Massechussets
- Ashland, Oregon

- Portland, Oregon

- Ireland

- Lake Wobegon

- Any sort of titled land in England, and/or on a moor